I saved this in draft for a long time. And this is how post-partum depression looked like.

Me in 1993

Hai. This is my first Medium post. I am thinking of journaling here now because there are a lot of things in my mind going on. Maybe I gotta start with this.

I believe that God always helps us. But not always in a way we want. Now I face a situation where I can only depend on my own. I believe this will make me stronger and better, but to be honest, I don’t like it at all.

Now I have 2 kids. And I have to take care of them. For most of the time, I feel like this all is a burden. I know I shouldn’t think that way so I figure out why.

Maybe because I focus too much on who will help me. Because my expectation is people will do as much as I do. Of course, people do help but they help not as much/as how I want, and this situation keeps letting me down. I hire a maid but she works only during the day. After that, I can only rely on my own. I hired another maid so there were two, but one of them was lying a lot so she needed to go.

Well, it has been 3 months since my maternity leave and I don’t find the joy. I am tired and whine most of the time. I yelled at my son when he did not do what I ask, and I guess that is not healthy at all, because he is only 22-months-old. It’s so sad because I cannot hold myself to not yell.

Once I had a conversation with a psychiatrist and she said, “Let go of all of the revenge you had in mind. Be happy. Forgive people who hurt you, not for them, but you. For your peace.” In another conversation with a psychologist, she said, “You choose the way that is hard. To keep your idealism not in an ideal way.”. Of course, I want the best for my children. The idealism is not for me, for my children. I want to give them the best, while I have been neglecting my own needs.

Maybe because I am not ready yet to be a mother of two. Because I am not taught for this. I have spent all my life studying to be a doctor, not a mother. They said motherhood comes naturally by instinct. I follow my instinct as a mother, and I think I did it pretty well. My children’s weight is always on track, this time I had a stack of frozen breastmilk already, and whenever they are sick, the recovery won’t take long. But I feel like being a mother is not me, not myself. I am lost in here. I am a mother but I am no longer me. Maybe that is a transformation. I am a mother now, I have to take care more of people but not me. I guess… that is okay. Soon after they grow older and can take care of their own, I can have my time to take care of myself.

Maybe I am not patient yet. Maybe I need to pray more. Maybe I just need some time. Maybe I just need good food and go out for a while. Maybe.

Written on June, 26th 2021.

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keeping one foot in front of the other

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